Yet Lovely

Dark am I, yet lovely, daughters of Jerusalem,

Song of Solomon 1:5

She slipped into her room like a wraith, stealthy, aware, silent.  Closed the door - slowly - turned the knob - clickless.  Quiet.  Like the night - the night that wrapped her in shadowy folds.  Sleepless, she stared at the darkened reflection.  Turning, pushing, adjusting.  Smoothing her hair - those errant waves, tendrils escaping - she tried to find the girl she wanted to be.  The girl she wanted to see.

Not here.  Hands wandered like birds from hair to face, face to form, form to clothes to hair to face.  Flitting, fleeing.  Not here.  Unsatisfied.  Unhappy.  She wasn't the image she was looking for.  She wasn't the beautiful, the young, the doe-eyed, the trembling-lipped, the slender-hipped, long-legged.  Not here.   The one she was searching for, the one she wanted to see - wasn't.

Late.  It was past curfew.  No one knew.  Where she'd been.  What she'd done.  How she'd tried to become - to be - to fit.  How she'd tried to find the love she couldn't feel for herself.  With him.  Tonight, with him, the one she'd seen looking.  The one who spoke with her - who held her hand - just her hand.  Who saw her - who wanted her - just her.  She thought.

And now it was late.  Past curfew.  And she was changed.  She peered closer - at her reflection in her room.  Was it obvious -  in her eyes - the set of her mouth?  She stood taller - her posture?  She was changed.  She thought he wanted to know her - to talk - to listen.  She was comforted by his attention - his eyes focused on her - his hand on her arm.  Then her shoulder.  Then her neck - and the other arm snaking to her knee.  His mouth on hers.  His hands...like vines - wrapping themselves around and through and ever in.

No, she thought - sitting up.  Had she been lying down - here? she thought.  In this place - this not-home place?  With him.   NO.  Both hands on his chest, she pushed him off.

"No," she had said.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror.  Taller.  Straighter.  Prouder.  Yes - she was changed.  Model-pretty, no.  Worldly-beautiful, not.  Wonderfully-made, absolutely.  She smiled.  It was, after all, her choice to be satisfied or not, to be happy or not.  Tonight - tonight she would choose joy.   The girl she wanted to be would live in joy.

The face in the mirror was radiant.

I feel I may need a little explanation here.  I am deeply aware of image in this world we live in.  How our own self-image affects our words, our actions, our very health - in positive and negative ways.  Like it or not, agree or not, we live in a place where surface beauty is held to an impossible standard.  That standard surrounds us - has infected our lives - through television, print media, music, social networks, movies - the list goes on.  It's almost ok, as an adult, to look at everything from a distance.  We have years of experience to fall back on - to know ourselves - to understand how to find the true beauty in others.  But we are profoundly influencing our youth by bombarding them with these standards of impossibility.  The story is fiction - unfortunately, for many, the ending would not have been a triumphant recognition that I am good enough,  but rather a giving in and giving up of something very precious.  All in search of validation.  I chose the scripture because of the 'yet' - this woman recognizes her own beauty despite not fitting into the 'norm'.  I included the lyrics and link to  this oh-so-appropriate song - because sometimes you just have to feel the message, and music does that for me.

More Beautiful You  by Jonny Diaz

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine

Says she wants to look that way

But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake

And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see

That beauty is within your heart

And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair

Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done

Anything to get ahead

And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan

Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come

You starve yourself to play the part

But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true

And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

So turn around you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And with His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

Thank you, Father, for loving us just as we are.  Give us the self-esteem and confidence to face the world clothed in the joy of knowing you.